Category: Success Over Stress

Do you feel as if you’re the target of blame, whether it’s an unreasonable dispute among family members or neighbors or a situation at work with coworkers, bosses, or employees.

Bill Eddy, an attorney, mediator, and therapist, and president of the High Conflict Institute in San Diego, says blaming others is increasing in societies and there is a pattern in this blaming behavior. This is driven by people with certain personalities (1 of every 7 people can make your  life miserable).

“If you haven’t been someone’s ‘target of blame,’ you will soon be,” he said. “Though it is a growing problem, it is also a predictable one, and a problem that can be managed in most cases with more understanding-and doing the opposite of what you feel like doing.”

In his book It’s All Your Fault: 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything, Eddy’s first tip is not to take personal attacks personally. Instead, he recommends this:

*  Recognize the signs of taking it personally. Examples are feeling you have to defend yourself, feeling emotionally hooked with fear or anger, thinking the other person is knowingly getting away with something or taking advantage of you.

*  Remind yourself that it’s unconscious. The high conflict person is not knowingly getting away with anything. His or her actions are driven by unconscious personality patterns.

*  There’s always a target of blame. If not you, then someone else. It’s not about you.

*  Maintain your own mental and physical health. You’re less likely to be triggered if you’re feeling good about yourself.

*  Get support and consultation. Trusted friends or a therapist can see what you can’t see and may suggest positive responses you might not be able to think of when you are under stress.

*  Don’t engage in a personal battle. If you already are, disengage now.

It’s a common belief that stress causes high blood pressure. Have you ever heard someone say, “My blood pressure went through the roof!” when referring to a stressful event? Indeed, stress can cause a temporary spike in your blood pressure. You may notice symptoms like a pounding heart or sweaty palms as stress hormones flood your system.

But, the American Heart Association says these effects are only temporary. Fortunately, stress has not been shown to raise your blood pressure permanently. But, this doesn’t mean you should ignore high stress levels. Chronic stress isn’t good for you emotionally, and may be linked to a higher risk for heart disease, obesity, depression and other health conditions.

Although more research needs to be done on this topic, experts know that the “fight or flight” response we feel when we are faced with stress does have an effect on our bodies. It’s normal to deal with this once in a while, but when it happens often, it can take a toll on you physically and emotionally. In addition, many people turn to unhealthy habits, such as smoking, drinking or overeating to help cope with stress.

If you’re dealing with high stress levels from work, personal matters, or other issues, don’t try to tough it out. Talk with your doctor or a mental health care provider about ways you can get the help and support you need.

You’ve seen “helicopter” parents. They hover on the sidelines at the soccer game, yelling, chewing their player out, and rarely praising. You’ve seen the result of their overbearing pressure in the classroom as they push push push their children to achieve too much too fast. Maybe you’re guilty of a little too much hovering yourself.

“Pushing your children into situations they are not developmentally prepared for is far more likely to create a sense of insecurity than a sense of competence,” said Dr. Tim Riley, a psychologist and author of the award-winning book First the Broccoli, Then the Ice Cream: A Parent’s Guide to Deliberate Discipline.

Unrealistic expectations can lead to overwhelmed and underperforming kids. Parents can create stressed-out kids with the following actions, according to Dr. Riley, who then offers some perspective on toning back expectations.

Action that CAN Create Stressed-Out Kids

*  Giving them regular access to adult information or including them in adult conversations they aren’t developmentally prepared to handle.

*  Putting pressure on kids to acquire skills before they really need them.

*  Giving cell phones and allowing texting for elementary schoolers.

*  Sharing your grown-up worries and concerns (financial, for example) with your kids.

*  Filling their schedules with adult-organized activities outside the home.

*  Jumping in a lot (as opposed to jumping ahead and seeing the bigger picture) to solve their problems for them.

*  Disciplining inconsistently.

Ways to Tone Back Expectations

*  Let kids read their age-level adventure stories and tell you about them. Too much adult TV or too much involvement in adult affairs blurs the line between being an adult and letting kids just be kids.

*  Allow little ones their unstructured creative playtime where they can be Little Einsteins in their own world. Pushing your baby to “read” makes him or her no better prepared academically in the long term.

*  Preposterous-or should we start training infants to drive or do taxes? They will learn computers and electronics in their own time.

*  No need to include them in adult problems they can’t do anything about.

*  Make sure home provides a safe harbor from an overload of lessons, practices, and clubs and is more than just a place to eat and change clothes on the way to the next activity.

*  Sometimes the natural consequences of an action, such as not doing homework, are the best teacher. Give kids an appropriate amount of responsibility and stay out of their way.

*  You’re the parent. Your kids look to you for security. But if you ground a child for not picking up his toys one day and overlook it the next, what message are you sending? Your child will not feel secure. Be consistent and realistic in your expectations and in your discipline.

At work, at home, even in the car, stress is a constant struggle for many people. Unmanaged stress can lead to serious health conditions such as high blood pressure, heart disease, obesity, and diabetes.

“The American lifestyle is fast-paced and productive, but can be extremely stressful. If that stress it not addressed, our bodies and minds can suffer,” said Dr. Aaron Michelfelder, professor of family medicine at Loyola University Chicago Stritch School of Medicine.

Our bodies need sleep to rejuvenate, and if we are uptight and stressed, we aren’t able to get the rest we need. This can lead to serious physical and mental health issues, which is why it’s extremely important to wind down, both body and mind, after a stressful day.

According to Dr. Michelfelder, one of the best ways to wind down and reconnect after a stressful day is by taking a walk. Though any walking is good, walking in the woods or in nature has been proven to be even better at reducing stress and improving your health.

“When we get to nature, our health improves,” he said. “Our stress hormones rise all day long in our bloodstream and taking even a few moments while walking to reconnect with our inner thoughts and to check in with our body will lower those damaging stress hormones. Walking with our family or friends is also a great way to lower our blood pressure and make us happier.”

Research out of Japan shows that walking in the woods also may play a role in fighting cancer. Plants emit a chemical called phytoncides that protects them from rotting and insects. When people breathe it in, there is an increase in the level of “natural killer” cells, which are part of a person’s immune response to cancer.

“When we walk in a forest or park, our levels of white blood cells increase and it also lowers our pulse rate, blood pressure and level of the stress hormone cortisol,” Dr. Michelfelder said.

He also suggests reading, writing, meditating or reflecting to help calm the mind after a long day. To help calm the body, yoga and breathing exercises also are good.

“If you want to wind down, stay away from electronic screens as they activate the mind. Electronic devices stimulate brain activity and someone’s post on Facebook or a story on the evening news might cause more stress,” he said.